A Long Hibernation

My Intellectual life seems to have gone in a long hibernation. Much to my dislike it seems like its goin to be tht way for a long time to come . I seem to be undergoing a subtle change from what i was to wht i m and to the predicted future. Seems like delhi and the hopitality environ in which i m working in is twisting me in a way tht doesnt seem very apparent on the surface but has deeper repercussion at a deeper level. These days i m living quite an on-the-edge lifestyle with everynight partying and tht sorta thing. It has become an ever pressing agenda of taking control of my life. Starting off on a tangent it seems like my worklife is not really going at its best i have to realise that i lack the basic leadership qualities or rather the aura of a leader which makes comrades follow you. I think i need sum deep intuitional insight to make me overcome this problem, yeilding to others cud be a possible reason. I want to act like a stuck up bastard and hold my ground but everytime i think of doing so i dont know if my stand is reasonable or about the things which i am set to loose .. its frustrating .....
more over i have lost my eye for the keen observations which i had once been proud of . it seems by the passing day i m turing into a superficial person whose only concerns are impressing ppl. and getting things done his way even if it means selling ur soul.
i dont know wht things i believe in anymore. wonder ever so often if i have any principles in life by which i'd stand thru thick and thin..... i wonder so often where i have lost myself ???

Unlearn !!!!! Part 1

As a continuation of many of those posts which i have written advocating the whole leberation of thoughts and ideas i stumbled upon thi word ... " UNLEARN ". Again as my Guru says disclaim what is not yours ( which includes most thing ) here is the latest disclaimer . I came across this word during a drunken reverie with a friend of mine . I guess i was too drunk to remember exactly where the conversation had begun but i rememeber this word from the conversation.
UNLERN !!!!!!
Have your ever thought how important it is to learn ??? i m sur all of us have very strong views emphasizing its importance. But as my beliefs in sufism tell me ... there is more to unlearn before u can learn ....... Think of it this way, when we were a kid our sense of vision told us that the ground under our feet looked flat . based on that we believed that the earth was flat . But when we went to school we were tought tht the earth was a sphere and how it rotated around itself and so on .. in this whole new learning process we subconciously unlearnt the whole theory of earth being flat ....
Similarly i think there is a need to understand that many of our so called value need to be unlearnt to live in this ever changing and complicated world that we live in . Many of them we have but there is a need for more of that change .
For instance thw way middle class looks at mall culture is with a lot of resentment which cannot be faulted either but its not the only truth there is a need to look at it from a different perspective. Even more than the need to change is the realisation that change cannot be haled and we need to change according to the world around us .....
I know so many friends of mine who dispise smoking and boozing. Agreed its a health hazard but does anyone give heed to the psychological need for such thing... i mean come on dont u think when defend the antismoking thingy so vehemently and still see people smoking that u need to realise the other take on this situation !!!! this is not just about antisocial habits there is more to the issue that meets the eye ... there is a growing need to accept other cultures other value in the globalised scenario. Here i would like to quote another example of my dearest friend when he went to UK for his last yrof education he found it very difficult to live with people with different set of values. Hence the quick fix cure for all such problems UNLEARN !!!!!

Happiness is Not Where You Seek It

This is a very fulfilling time as a blogger with loads of time on my hand and little work to be attended to. I have been spending much of the time doing nothing, reading books is one of those NOTHINGS that i do. I am reading a Book by Idries Shah the same author from whose earlier works i have posted one of the blogs. Here is another one of his stories which i found very appealing due to ( quite obviously ) circumstances with a lot of cribbing and wailing people around me ( i used to be one of them even now i guess i do indulge myself in some of that foolish fun ). This ones dedicated to all the bloggers who use blogging as a medium of expression of utter frustration and simple boredom.

So the story goes like this.....
Nasrudin saw a man sitting disconsolately at the way-side and asked what ailed him.
' There is nothing of interest in life, brother,' Said the man; ' I have sufficient capital not to have to work, and I am on this trip only in order to seek somthing more interesting than the life I have at home. So far I haven't found it.'
Without another word, Nasrudin seized the travellers's knapsack and made off down the road with it, running like a hare. Since he knew the area, he was able to out-distance him.
The road curved, and Nasrudin cut acros several loops, with the result that he was soon back on the road ahead of the man whom he had robbed. He put the bag by the side of the road and waited in concelament for the other to catch up.
Presently the miserable traveller appeared, following the tortuous road, more unhappy than ever because of his loss. As soon as he saw his property lying there , he ran towards it, shouting with joy.
'That's one way of producing happiness,'said Nasrudin.
There is much to be interpreted from this story but like the good old Mr. Shah i shall leave it to your judgement.

Letters From Iwo Jima ... the letters for humanity ..

Movies have a way of making a great impact on me . As a medium, it moves me the most. To tell stories with such earnestness deserves to be applauded but let me not start singing seranades about the medium. So getting back to the topic at hand .. I happened to see this amazing movie called Letters From Iwo Jima directed by my favourite director Clint Eastwood.
Its a story of a battle which was fought in the early 1945 on the volcanic island of Iwo Jima.
The movie tells the story of the battle from the Japanese side where as its prequel ( Flags of our fathers , another good one ) tells a story of the battle from the American side.
It basically revolves around the soldiers of the Japanese light infentory who had to make a stand on that island and their sacrifices, their fears and hopes and on a larger canvas the futility of war .. the transformation of ordinary men into heroes and the gentle whispers of those who died in that war ... heroes everyone of them. It truely moved me in the sense, that it made me realise that the heroes we all worship, are not some superhuman figures ... they are as human as we are ,they feel the same things as we do .. even when i think of my enemies, i wish that i could treat them with the same humanity that i would treat my friends with. It has just been raising too many questions in my mind, and i seem to be thoroughly enjoying answering them .. But the most important lesson which i've learned from this movie is that at the end of it fear, courage, anger, vengence are all present in the human mind the sooner we accept that we really are the epitome of everything we realise that Heroes are we , villains are we, God is also in us and so do we house our own devils and demons.

On a lighter note

Hey almost a month since i last blog .. and looking at the lst one i cant believe that i was so depressed a month ago .
May 2008 has been an amazing month so far .. and promises to be even more exciting. It started off with an excellent trekk to himachal. Sar Pass ... truely an excellent place to to be. Had plenty of fun with my trekking group. I cant imagine how close thse pals have become . Its like hitesh said

" Kaaen Bar Yun bhi hua he safar mein

Achanak se do ajnabi mil gaye ho

Jise ruh pehchanti ho azal( eternity) se

bhatakte bhatakte wahin mil gaye ho"

Sumtimes u meet strangers along the road and u feel as if u've known them from eternity and just by some coincidence you happen to bump into them at that point of time. I met a very nice girl on the trekk. It was the same feeling . I never had believed in love at first sight but like most of my opinions this one had to be changed too .
The trekk by itself was an amazing journey through panoramic views of the himalays but what more it turned out to be a journey through many intrinsic topics many profound ones.
As an overview it has certainly endowed me with better understanding of the world around the world of humans the world where emotions turn into storms and spirits are cleansed by inspiration .
It is a journey that i have just embarked upon there is much to learn there is much to see but i m glad of one fact atleast i start today ....

Going Towards and away from it ........

Seems like the ex effect did change me in many ways . Then there were the exams which seem to have had their profound effect on me. Can't deny the hundreds of cigrettes and hundreds of those whiskey shots their fair share in this glorious disharmony in which i find myself. It seems like my hunger for philosophical knowledge grows by the day i yearn for good conversations mostly on a serious things but then even with all this i have a feeling that i am going away from the very basis which forms the " truth " People. i dont feel like striking any conversations whith them most of the time i have a feeling tht they dont see what i want to show them and end up getting entangled in the superficials. I get misinterpreted and misunderstood more often than not. Why do people look at life with the goggles of morals and values and the things that have been tought to them to be percieved. I mean can'y u tell what u feel like ?? or dont u have the balls to accpet wht u feel is the real thing ?? cant i feel like drunk ?? and if i do why do i do it or dont do it ? giving in , sorry i dont thing tht giving in the way i'd want to put it . Well what i mean is if i feel like doin sumthing and it doesnt harm anyone in anyway then why shud i b restrained from it ? Why should people percieve and make up opinions based on the mere irrelevencies of words ??? i thought actions spoke louder than words ... but i guess thats only on a sports field
Well i feel quite disgusted at the moment to think about how deeply did my ex affect me. I hate to admit it but she did change me in more ways than i should have let her .... but now i think i m stuck between two worlds the world of superficial things and the glossy coverpages, beneath which lies the rotten selfcentric and terribly moraless selfishness and the world where all of this exists but atleast no attempt is made to cover it and hence it gives a more realistic a more acceptable demeanor . I think my quest for the wisdom and the intricacies of human mind, the socio-psychological causanity has really made me go in circle. I find myself not believin in anything anymore i dont trust anything i dont know which the firm base on which to fall back upon . All seems to b so abstract and so pointless that i dont even care about anything or anyone anymore ...............................
wht the fuck is wrong with me ???????????
why the hell am i up at 2.48 am and riting this bull crap .... i think i need sum sleep
i think there is nothing in the world a good night's sleep cant cure i think richa was rite when she said i m diseased !!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

this story from another compilation by idries shah,
has me in ecstatic splits since morning,
and so i labour to share it with you:
hariri always tried to behave in as exemplary a manner as possible.
he acquired such a reputation for correct conduct that a certain merchant who had to go on a journey chose him as the obvious person with whom to entrust the welfare of his beautiful slave girl.
But hariri developed a passion for the girl. he went to haddad, his sufi preceptor, and asked him for his advice.
haddad said: 'go to yusuf, son of husain.'
when hariri approached the place where yusuf was to be found,people said:
' do not go near the son of husain, pious man, for he has a bad reputation, is a heretic and a wine drinker.'
not believing this, hariri arrived at yusuf's door, where he saw, sure enough, yusuf was sitting with a young boy and a flask of wine.
hariri at once said to yusuf:
'what is the meaning of this behaviour?'
yusuf said, reading his thoughts:
'i behave like this in appearance, because it prevents people entrusting their beautiful slaves to my keeping.

As Written By Mr. MULLAH ( MY GURU ) in a mail .....
i m just copy pasting it here with all due respect to him

I am thoroughly confused !!!!!!

I never imagined in my entire life that i'll be confused . I've always been the one with strong opinions about everything and hence i always thought i knew everything about the world even in terms of my feeling i always knew what is it that i exactly i feel what is the best course of action in that case .
But lately i've found it increasingly difficult to be sure of anything. Even the words which i want to use in a conversation. I mean i've never been articulate but then i've never found myself short of words ....... but lately ...
I think its the effect of all the abstract thinkng i've been doing. It is the effect of my new found and implemented theory of "everythign is abstract in life." I realise that objectivism is so much part of our life.
But that is not the point. I find myself going back to many memories which i thought i had long buried and its not nostalgia either. The feeling which i get is of satisfaction and peace but then i find yself wishing that they had lasted a little longer. These memories seem like the never ending trekking trails that i m so used to. They never seem to end and then like a new canvas being unfolded you suddenly find yourself atop the mountain that u had been clibing. But what if that trail itself was what u wanted and that the experience of climbing is what mattered to you, wht if u cudnt care less if u reached the mountain ........
To b honest down here i have travelled on many such paths, but i never found someone to walk them with. I have been walking. Walking through many troubled times, many frustrations, many a new starts, I never have found anyone who'd hold my hand and say dont worry i m there if u need help. Soneone who'd be ther by his own choice and not outta pity or obligation or favour of any sorts .......
and unlike the post seems without a central theme or anything specific to tell . I have much to say but i dont know where to start and where to end ......
Start ...... (sigh) starting all over again has become such an integral part of my life .......

i rite this post with teary eyes
hoping for someone to hear my cries
there is much to me than meets the eye
nother drop rolls down i heave a sigh

there is much misery around me
more in mens heart than they see
i feal the fear grippin me
is it them or am i scaring me

look inside your head look inside your heart
look in me look in that childs heart.
there is much to me than meets the eye
nother drop rolls down i heave a sigh.

it seems like a prison i wanna break free
i have grown the wings but where is the key
too this cage ! from

..........i just hope to be set free soon it seems that everyday of this prison fills a litre of poison in my heart ... tho i think of the jailor with all the compassion that ever resided in me but the atrocities cannot b ignored ........ even with all the idealistic bullshit u still feel the pain and that pain sumtime builds so much that u retaliate. Coming to the end of this post i wrote this poem quite impulsively and instictively and which is wht i cant figure out a title for it . i dont wanna name it the cliched titles like my prison or break free i think i m goin to call it the FALLEN STAR since these emotions were very much inspired by the song MAA from taare zameen par

The Pitcher !!!!!!!

I happen to stumble across this sufi story ..... its a story of Mullah Nasiruddin a famous sufi philosopher ........
so without much adeu we shall ger rite down to it
Once a diciple of Mulla Nasiruddin wanted the Mulla to teach him evrything that the Mulla knew ... but according to Sufism knowledge not sumthin that is entirely based on facts its more about the process of learnin than the facts themselves.So in order to teach the deciple this fact about learning the mulla took him to a well he carried a pitcher with him . the mulla drew water from the well poured it in the pitcher. He poured bucket after bucket into the pitcher but the pitcher wont ger filled. Clearly annoyed by Mulla's absent minded behaviour the deciple pointed out " Mulla, There is no bottom to the pitcher." The mulla replied "What has the bottom got to do with the pitcher being filled ? I have a pitcher when i will see the water reaching to the neck i will stop pouring." The deciple got the messege that in order to learn one must know how to learn. Without knowing who we really are one cannot really make any sense out of trying to understand the world.
Introspection is the only way to enlightenment.

This story in many ways has had its profound effect on me. Sumwhere in that giest of life i have found many answers to my misery, anxiety, pain and suffering.
If that was not enought i have more importantly found the true meaning of compassion.
And may be even love.
I rite this blog with a break up with my long term girlfriend to paint the background black.
But i also rite this blog with a deeper understanding of her actions, my anger towards her ( which seems to have sumdued itself ) and hopefuly an enlightening understanding of ME